Humor HQ - Cruise Ship Secrets Hidden In Plain Sight

The allure of the open air, warm breeze of the sea and being away from land so you can your relax your worries goodbye has always made going on a cruise a dream for many people. However, as much as the prospect of riding on a cruise ship is awesome, there are certain cruise ship secrets that you’ll want to know if you’re really interested in becoming a seafarer.

Below are essential cruise ship secrets and tips that you should know to help you sail like a pro and help you avoid things that will make your trip less than memorable.

Skip The Spa

Not that the experience is different whether you’re out on the sea or when the ship is in port, but the cruise line is likely to offer discounts on spa services when the ship isn’t running.

Always Bring A First Aid Kit With You

The closed-off nature of the environment of a cruise ship makes it ideal for any kind of disease to quickly spread. This is why crew members are trained to keep the ship and themselves as clean and healthy as possible. If a crew is sick, he or she is usually isolated to prevent the illness from spreading to anyone else.

Having your own first-aid kit ups your chances of not contracting the disease in the event that it does manage to spread to other passengers.

Cruise Ships and Brig

Crew members are also trained to diffuse any hostile incident and prevent it from escalating. However, if either one of the involved parties proves to be too much for them to handle, most cruise ships have at least one cabin on board that they have designated to be used as a brig or detention cell.

How To Get Free Drinks

Cruise ships make the bulk of their profits from charging extra for beverages, namely soft drinks, beer, wine, and cocktails during meals. However, you can avoid the added costs if you stick to juice and water since they’re usually given away for free on most cruises.

Storage for Dead Bodies

Cruise ships are prepared for all kinds of emergencies, including death. In case someone dies while onboard, they have a dedicated refrigerated storage space that can store three or more bodies and keep them from decomposing until the ship reaches its final destination.

Conduct Yourself Accordingly

The Captain has every right to put anyone off the ship at the next port without any refund or way back home. That is, provided, that the passenger has shown a propensity for improper conduct. So, if you plan on going on a cruise anytime soon, best be prepared to be on your best behavior.

Make Friends With The Captain

As has been established, the captain is the top dog on the ship, so, it should go without saying that you should try and make friends with him or her if the opportunity presents itself. Being friendly with the captain can go a long way in case you have a problem while you’re on board the ship.

How To Beat Sea Sickness

Feeling queasy? Crew members swear by green apples and bland crackers as a very effective remedy for sea sickness. If this doesn’t work, try scoring some free seasickness meds from the purser’s desk, which is basically a cruise ship’s version of a concierge.

Always Read The Fine Print

Cruise packages aren’t always all-inclusive. Costs such as shore excursions, spa treatments, and a lot of other things will cost you extra, so make sure that you read the fine print first.

Skip The Port Calls

While the idea of a port call is to give passengers a chance to see the sights around the port, they’re not exactly free. Often, you’ll have to pay a high price for them, and they aren’t always worth it. If you want to save some cash and want to avoid having to spend hours crammed on a tour bus, stay on board. Chances are, the facilities will still be open, and better yet, you’ll have a chance to enjoy them all to yourself.

Sneak In Your Own Drinks

If you’ve been paying attention to the list, you’d know that booze and other beverages on cruise ships aren’t so cheap. As such, if you want to save a bit of cash, try sneaking in a few of your drinks yourself. Putting booze in mouthwash bottles is a neat trick that should come in handy for this. In case it can’t really be helped, buy packs of beer or full bottles of wine instead of individual drinks so you don’t end up spending as much money.

Sail For Free

If you want to sail for free, most major cruise lines provide free passages, such as for those who’re qualified to be lecturers. Be sure to call the line’s entertainment office to see if you’re qualified.

Party With The Crew

A few of the crew members are paid to dress up, go out and mingle with travelers and party with them. The only caveat is that they don’t have to get drunk. But, since they pay less for drinks, you might as well make friends with one to score free or cheaper drinks.

The Crew Have Their Own Bar

One of the other perks of being a cruise ship crew member is that you get a chance to let loose and have a drink every once in a while. Most cruise lines even encourage this by giving their own crew their own bar where drinks are so much cheaper.

Don’t Be Afraid To Explore

Most cruise ship doors have no locks in case of an emergency. So, if you’re feeling curious, don’t be afraid to have a look around. You’re usually free to explore many parts of the ship at night. Although, you may want to record your adventures, or tell someone where you’re going, just in case.

Birds Of The Same Feather

Most cruise line companies make sure that their officers and crew members are of the same nationality. Doing so helps avoid any miscommunication, especially on the bridge.

Cure For Seasickness

If meds or green apples and crackers don’t do the track, try staying in the midship (the area on the ship that doesn’t rock as much). Or, you can lie down and eat pineapple. Why pineapple, you ask. Well, it’s one of the few types of food that tastes the same going up as it does going down.

How To Enjoy A Better Dining Experience

If you want to get the most out of the buffet, queue up early. This is especially true for the specialty food spots like the burrito and sushi bars.

Passengers = Cones

Crew members often call passengers as cones. Why so? This is generally because most passengers aren’t used to walking around while at sea and are very slow, so the crew often just walks around them, like how people would normally do to cones.

How To Get a Poolside Spot

What do you get when a ship has a few thousand passengers and only a dozen or so deck chairs near the pool? A poolside that’s never gonna get empty, that’s what you get. Don’t worry, there’s still a way to get a poolside spot while on a cruise ship. Most new vessels have adults-only areas with pools and those are rarely occupied. So long as your age permits, feel free to head on over them to enjoy some good ol’ r and r.

Travel as a Group To Save Cash

If you want to save big bucks, travel as a group. Most cruise lines won’t just give huge discounts if you travel this way, but they’ll also likely give away a free cabin or two.

Don’t Skip Out On Travel Insurance

Travel insurance may sound like an added expense to you, but spending on it upfront will save you a lot of money in the long run. Case in point, in case you need to go and visit the ship doctor, you’ll most likely be reimbursed for your troubles. Just be sure to keep your receipts, as well as a log of your experience.

Passing Through The Panama Canal

Cruises are expensive, for both the crew and the cruise industry itself. For example, passing through the Panama Canal costs the cruise line an average of $300,000 and the average cruise ship passes through it once every 10 days. Add in the fuel costs of around $45 per minute and you can see why cruise lines try to get as much money out of their passengers as possible.

Dental Emergencies At Sea

If you have anything other than your original teeth inside your mouth, such as crowns, bridgework, and fillings, keep in mind that they tend to jump out while you’re onboard. Worse still is that there are little to no dental facilities on board, so...

Don’t Worry About Gratuities

You don’t really need to worry about tipping while onboard. There’s a huge chance that they’ve been charged to you upfront. If not, the company usually charges it to your account automatically for as long as you’re on the ship.

The Truth About Snack Foods At The Bar

While most cruise ships are kind enough to stock snack foods at the bar, do you really want to put your hands inside those? Remember, other people’s hands have been there.

Bring Your Own Toilet Paper

Most cruise lines will gladly provide you with toilet paper, but they’ll often be cheap and feel more like sandpaper. Spare yourself the trouble of having to use those and bring your own toilet paper instead.

Cruise Line Crew Work Around The Clock

Crew members generally work around the clock and generally only rest for sleep and given a day or two to rest.

Cruise Lines and The Law

Most cruise lines don’t really have to worry about American Labor Laws since they’re not exactly regulated by them. As such, they rarely hire employees from developed nations. When they do, they’re usually hired as entertainers, tour guides, and put in other positions that interact with passengers. Meanwhile, the rest are from other nations and work for very low wages.

Avoid Canceling

As much as possible, avoid having to call off a cruise line vacation unless there’s absolutely no choice left. This is because most cruise lines have very unfair cancellation policies and require customers to cancel reservations months before the departure date for them to get any chance of getting a refund.

Lackluster Medical Facilities

Most ships are required to have medical personnel on board in case of an emergency, but they really only have the bare necessities. Other than a doctor, you probably have more useful medication on your first-aid kit than they do. The worst part here is that most cruise line companies list their doctors as independent contractors. This means that the company can’t be held liable for any bad treatment you receive while you’re on board.

The Ocean is Your Toilet

Commonly known as “blackwater” within the industry, any fecal matter and urine generated by the cruise ship are treated to remove moisture and simply dumped overboard into the ocean.